Tales from the Crypt: The New Arrival

First of all, I'd just like to say, Jesus fucking Christ, this was scarier than any movie, or any show I have ever seen in my life. Tales from the Crypt really outdid itself this time.


Now, I'd do a full review but I really do NOT want to spoil anything about this episode for anybody who hasn't been so lucky as to have already experienced it, but I'll give a short summary until shit gets real.

The episode opens up to a radio station where a show starring a cool "bad dude" is being aired, and is finishing up. The main character of our story is an aging psychologist who finds this show absolutely horrible and against what he teaches, despite the ratings it gains for the story. The other show finishes, and the psychologist goes into the booth to start his own show. A caller phones in and he is quite familiar with her as she has called in numerous times. She talks about how her child has begun to smash her head against the walls over and over, and as shes explaining it our main character overhears that his show is getting canceled. He decides that they'll start airing the show from the home of the problem child until she is acting properly.

The psychologist and his producers go to the house to start the show and all sorts of scary shit occurs... But I don't want to spoil it so I'm cutting the summary short.


Scare Factor: GODDAMN/5
Acting Quality: 5/5
Effects: 3.5/5
Puns: 9 or so
Total: 5 Cryptkeepers out of 5.


If you happen to have a copy of Tales from the Crypt season 4, have some friends over and turn out the lights, cause this episode is sure to scare the shit out of you. If you have the uncensored episodes, even better.

I'm here to rape your dreams!

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tales of the Dead Man's Float

So this episode doesn't seem early on like it has too much potential to creep. Pass the scary intro, pass the typical Midnight Society chatter, hurp a durp durp, and the episode arrives at its intro. Basically, a kid in some pool starts screamin that somethings grabbing him in the water and the lifeguard jumps in to save him, but he can't get him out! The kid just drowns right there and one has to wonder... WHAT WAS PULLING HIM UNDER?

Cut ahead like 40 years or something to some nerd being nerdy and some bitch being bitchy. He invites her to see something that he thinks she'd like.

"He began to unzip his pants..."

Cut to next morning and it turns out the thing nerd boy wanted to show the chick was not his embarrassingly small genitalia, but was an abandoned pool in the schools basement (what the hell were they thinking). She says MAYBE YOU DON'T SUCK AT LIFE AFTER ALL (don't quote me on that) and cut to a few weeks later and hoeface convinced the school to set the pool up. THE PLOT THICKENS. Turns out that Mr. Nerd is helping her with her homework in exchange for sexual favors swimming lessons. Suddenly SOMETHING THROWS THEM OUT OF THEIR RAFT (why they have a raft in the swimming pool instead of just... standing on the edge of the pool I will never know). They think they're done for when suddenly HEROIC JANITOR PULLS THEM OUT IN THE NICK OF TIME! Why was he there when the only people in the pool were 2 young children? Why was he hiding from them until they were almost drowning? We may never know.

Pictured above: A convicted sex offender. With a HEART OF GOLD.

As to be expected from a senior citizen with a dead-end job, he has a boring story to tell. HE WAS THE LIFE GUARD IN THE INTRO, AND THE DROWNED KID WAS HIS BROTHERRR. He convinced the school to close the pool because it was killing people... Because the pool was built on an INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! When are people going to figure out that this kind of behavior will lead to homicidal haunts 95% of the time? It's common sense at this point, really. Anyways, old moustachio up there has no idea how to stop the beast. But science nerd MAGICALLY figures out that the ghost, smelling like ass, must be made of ACID. A native ghost made of fucking ACID, how bad can this get? So basically the kid decides to toss in some delicious chemicals to make the beast reveal its TRUE FORM. He tosses some Tang into the pool and the results are... ABSOLUTELY BAT SHIT INSANELY HORRIFYING.

The reason I dropped chemistry class.

SO CLEARLY, the producers forgot to mention to the director that this was a show for kids, but decided doing more filming to replace the beast with something less nightmare-inducing was too much strain on the budget. So this things been swimming around children in bathing suits and has been just dragging them down and going to town. GOD DAMN!

But as any hero would, the super hoe from the beginning of the episode has some death powder to burn the thing, but herpaderp nerd kid throws it out of her hands and into the pool. YOU'LL BURN YOURSELF OMG. Dumbass. They all decide to dive in to get it (kids these days) as Scruffy watches shitting bricks. The beast goes in to get them but being an indecisive creature just kind of fails at that. The kids grab the container, PUT GLOVES ON, and then destroy the beast.

Cut to like a week later and they're banging. Wow. Realistic.

Spook: 10/5
Funny: 0/5
Total: 4.5/5

If you're looking for an episode of these shows that are actually going to make you shit a brick, this one is what you'll be looking for every time.


Youtube link to the episode

First Review! "Goosebumps: An Old Story"

Sup y'all. You may or may not know me from my amazing stream known only to the people as "TOAST WITH THE MOST".  Now as those of you who have made yourselves known on said stream (hollaaaa) I make it my mission to provide YOU the people with quality SPOOK. My channel consists primarily of 80's to 90's television creepage, with such classics as Goosebumps, Tales from the Crypt, and Are You Afraid of the Dark, though I do leave these boundaries from time to time (Dark Place, MXC, Movies). I figure after watching all dem streams I've gained enough experience to provide you with accurate reviews of these televised programs so you can take a look for these bad boys outside of the regular programming schedule (remember, buy, don't pirate!)

Now, after that long introduction, I am happy to bring you my first review and summary of the wonderfully entertaining Goosebumps episode, AN OLD STORY.


So the episode begins with some old hag or some shit. I can't really remember because it wasn't that interesting. Basically, it's the aunt of these two ugly ass brothers (a fat one and a really ugly one) coming to take care of 'em while their parents are away. OH GOSH.

 

I meant it bro. Jesus. Look at that forehead I mean come on now.

So the bitch offers them some cookies. Being children, that shit can't be shot down (even though its moving, like what the hell). So the kids take a bite and BAM PRUNE COOKIES. DELICIOUS. Lets skip ahead some useless bullshit and they are waking up the next morning with GREY HAIR and BACK PAIN. Now the old bag has some of her "friends" over to meet the boys who are now old as shit and its fucking hilarious. I mean these kids SOUND HILARIOUS.

Ugly kid, now with 50% more horrifying forehead.

Either way, the one fat one hides away and hears a conversation, oh shit the old birds wanna marry them. The aunt is getting PAYMENT for this too (what would the mother think I have no idea). So basically its pedophilia by old people who want young men who look old (what in the fuuuu). Shits hilariously creepy. OH AND THEY MAKE THE TWO KIDS PLAY BRIDGE. CAN'T FORGET THAT IN AN EPISODE INSULTING SENIOR CITIZENS. So the kids ditch the bridge game to make a plan.

"Ehh? How did we get in the kitchen?"

 Seriously though fuck old people.

ANYWAYS, they find some baby food and it MAGICALLY brings them back to their youth (and yes the ugly kid is still ugly). The old fucks come into the room and get desperate. Their old men are suddenly young again! ALL THEIR HOPE OF BEING LOVED IS GONE (PROTIP LADIES IT WASN'T THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, ENJOY DYING ALONE). They try to fight the kids, and knock down the baby food, breaking the jar so there is no more antidote for the magic prune bullshit. The ugly kid finds some prune juice in the fridge and tosses it into his aunts face, causing probably the most horrifying death scene in the shows entire history.

Oh shit auntie are you okay

Oh shit.

OH SHIT. THAT IS MURDER. HOW YA GONNA EXPLAIN THAT TO MOM, BOYS?

So basically, the other two hags trying to bang the kids get the hell outta dodge and make a break for wherever the hell old people calm down (Bingo maybe? I don't know). The kids clean up and have a good old time alone, when the ugly brother notices the fat one missing. He goes in to the next room and... FATTY IS A BABY. HE FOUND MORE BABY FOOD. AND DECIDED TO EAT IT. WHAT A TWIIIIST!

The moral of the story is, old people are terrible, and fat people are stupid.

SPOOK: 3/5  (Creepy old people, come on now)
LAUGH: 4/5  (Goddamn the old children are hilarious)
TOTAL: 4/5  ( NOT AN AVERAGE, AND RELATIVE TO GOOSEBUMPS EPISODES)

If you like Goosebumps, or even Are You Afraid of the Dark, I recommend this episode, it's one of the best (and much better with friends, as with every other episode).